it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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