what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
