Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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