the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
