I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
This girl is more easily done than said...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
