Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
