My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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