Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
