i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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