Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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