I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
