im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
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I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
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My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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