Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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