his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
