I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Randomize
