sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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