I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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