I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I still have a little drunk in my system
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
