her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Rumble strips road head = magical
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
