I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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