Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
