connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
