no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
