So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
