This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
