I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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