it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
