i love accidental penises.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
