so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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