saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
