I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
