Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
