Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
