Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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