I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
