I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
