come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
