Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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