I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
