wat bout pragnant strippers??
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How naked do you want me to be?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
