i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
