Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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