Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
