I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
