I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
