There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
