I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
