Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
