also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
