I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
