Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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