my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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