Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
