i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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