dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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