youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
