Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This gyro tastes like lonliness
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
