I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
