I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
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Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
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I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
And then he peed in my hair
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