i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
