I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
