why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
