I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
